The Great Thing About Feeling Bad(Why we need negative emotions)

By Skye Nicholson, Soul’s Truth Coaching 

Anger, guilt, sadness, shame. Resentment, awkwardness, irritation, annoyance.

No one likes these feelings. These are the emotions that rub us the wrong way, itch at our minds and cause our blood pressure to rise.

For many years, I had a nightly drinking habit. Sometimes it was a little (a glass or two of wine), and sometimes it was a lot (a blackout night at the local bar). After a magic number of sips, those uncomfortable feelings I had accumulated throughout my day all seemed to fade away.

Often they quieted just with the anticipation of the taste on my tongue, but on tougher days I needed the ballooning euphoria of the buzz to dull the pain.

The irony was, of course, that the drinks didn’t actually make the feelings go away. They just delayed them for a while—draped a curtain over them, if you will. Many mornings, when the curtain was ripped away with the sunrise, the negative feelings had morphed and multiplied in the night, like hungry, wet Gremlins.

The result over time was that yuckiness grew inside me, causing a bloom of self-deprecation, anxiety and depression.

Alcohol is only one of many ways we might numb away the discomfort of negative emotions. Some may numb with food or drugs, TV or social media, shopping or sex, gambling, or even burying themselves in work.

When I quit drinking over five and a half years ago, I discovered two big things about my emotions: 1) Alcohol hadn’t just been dulling the negative emotions, but the positive ones as well; and 2) Those so-called ‘bad’ feelings were actually there for a reason—they had been trying to tell me something!

When our bodies are the recipients of hundreds of stressors a day (alarms, traffic, spilled coffee, screaming kid, time crunch, demanding boss, worried thought, overdue bill, news report, more traffic, needy kid, health issue, long line, tense meeting, etc, etc, etc), we often don’t realize that we are stuck in a perpetual state of Fight/Flight/Freeze—a chronic stress response.

Negative feelings, such as irritation, anger, or despair, are heightened when bodies are in stress response.

Think about it: Fight/Flight/Freeze. These are survival tactics. This is what creatures do when their life is in danger! 

When you are stressed, you are on high alert, and every little thing is a reason to react. (Even if, in perspective, it’s not a big deal. For example: You get an Evite to a kid’s birthday party, and you start panicking, because that weekend is already busy, and what will you get for a present, and did you remember to put it on the family calendar? The next thing you know, you are annoyed and resentful. 

So I came to realize that the appearance of negative emotions is a warning sign to check my stress level, like the engine light coming on in my car. When I was actively drinking, I would numb those emotions away, rather than bothering to investigate them. Avoiding the feelings meant that I wasn’t giving myself the opportunity to do something positive and healthy to actually LOWER my stress, like go for a walk, or play with my dog, or scribble out my frustrations in my journal.

Over time, I learned there were even deeper, more profound lessons hidden within my uncomfortable feelings. For years I had felt awkward and uncomfortable in my own skin. Probably this was a big reason why I drank—so that I could get some “liquid courage,” letting the buzz of alcohol erase my social anxiety. Once I was sober, I could allow myself to sit with these awkward feelings long enough to hear where they were directing me.

I began to ask myself some really important questions. Who was I, really? Was how I felt inside matching the person I was representing to the world? How could I embody myself in a more authentic way?

Why was I so worried about judgement from others? It was because I had been harshly judging myself for living outside of my own integrity. I realized that my discomfort was caused by my own misalignment.  I had been playing the role of Party Girl, but that was not representative of who I truly was. I had to relearn how to trust myself. I had to realign myself with my truth.

The gift of this “bad” feeling directing me inward allowed for deeper self-acceptance and moved me further along my journey towards finding self-love.

I have realized that "discomfort," whether it's anger, sadness, resentment, fear, shyness, etc., is a signal that I have some more to learn. These feelings become an opportunity for self-work and personal growth. Before, I would do whatever it took not to feel the uncomfortable feelings anymore. Now I see them as a clue—a doorway—to discovering myself more fully and accessing a deeper joy in my life.

Try It and Apply It:

Over the next few weeks, take notice when any of these feelings arise. Maybe even write them down. And then become aware of how you respond to them. Feelings and thoughts of self-doubt don't disappear overnight, but our ability to maintain autonomy over our emotions can grow and grow.